For the people around a family
Supporting someone who is grieving
Children and teens need honest, steady adults after a death. This page gathers practical ideas from Ele’s Place. You do not need the perfect words.
If someone is in danger, call 911. If you are thinking about suicide, call or text 988.
How children grieve
- Children often grieve in bursts. They may look upset, then play as if nothing happened. This is not a sign they are “over it.” It is how they protect themselves from something very big.
- Young children may not understand that death is final. They may expect the person to come back.
- Children may not have words for feelings. You may see it in behavior first. Older children and teens may stay quiet to protect their family, or because they do not want to feel different.
- Children of any age may blame themselves, or think they should have been able to stop it.
- Grief can return as a child grows. Birthdays, holidays and big milestones can bring it back.
Common reactions
Reactions vary with age, with who died, and with how. Some show up right away, and some months or years later.
- Anger or irritability
- Behavior changes, or acting out
- New fears and worries
- Acting younger than their age
- Needing extra reassurance
- Trouble concentrating
- Sadness
- Questions about what happened and why
- Headaches, stomachaches, sleep changes or eating changes
- Guilt, or feeling responsible
What helps
- Tell them early and plainly. Use clear words and age-appropriate facts. Answer the question they are asking, and follow their lead.
- Say that it was not their fault. Their thoughts, feelings and behavior did not cause the death.
- Expect surprising reactions. Anger, curiosity, no visible feeling, and even laughter are all ways of coping.
- Be ready to repeat yourself. It takes time to absorb a death. The same questions may come many times.
- Keep routines. Bedtime, meals, homework and chores help children feel safe. Keep fair limits on behavior too.
- Let them express it their way. Play, art and writing can help with feelings that are too big for words.
- Keep the person present. Talk about them. Look at photos. Mark special days. Children need to stay connected to the people who mattered to them.
- Tell the school. Let teachers or child care providers know, and stay in touch with them.
- Offer choices at funerals and visitations. Explain what will happen. Let children take part in ways that feel right to them. Do not force it.
- Share your own feelings in a steady way. Naming your feelings shows children they can name theirs.
What to avoid
- Do not lie about how the person died. Children usually find out later and can feel confused and angry.
- Avoid phrases like “lost,” “sleeping,” “went on a trip” or “God needed him.” Children can take them literally and become afraid.
- Do not expect siblings to grieve the same way, or to feel what you feel.
- Do not wait for a child to tell you how they feel. Watch their behavior for clues.
- Do not set a deadline for when grief should be over.
Talking with a child about death
- Use a calm, matter-of-fact voice and clear words such as “died” and “dead.”
- Explain that death means the body stopped working and cannot work again. The person will not come back.
- Children may worry that you or someone else will die. Do not promise that you never will. Say that you expect to live a very long time, that you want to take care of them, and that someone will always care for them.
- Answer simply and honestly. Do not give more than the child can take in.
- Repeated questions and death themes in play are normal. It is how a child makes sense of what happened.
- When it fits your family, explain funeral customs and beliefs, and let the child take part if they want to.
Talking about suicide with a child needs extra care. Call an Ele’s Place branch for guidance.
Teens and friends
If you are a teen who is grieving
Every feeling is okay. Anger, numbness, guilt and even happiness can all show up. If you ever think you might hurt yourself, tell a trusted adult right away. You can also call or text 988 at any time.
Teens in Ele’s Place groups shared what helps, and what does not.
What helps
- Send a card or flowers.
- Come to the visitation or funeral.
- Talk about good memories of the person who died.
- Offer to listen, and let me talk if I need to.
- Ask how I’m doing, but do not press for an answer.
- Remember days that are special to me.
- Understand if I have a bad day.
- Treat me normally.
What does not help
- Avoiding me.
- Asking lots of questions.
- Walking on eggshells.
- Saying “It’s going to be okay” or “I know how you feel.”
- Talking about your own loss while I grieve mine.
- Changing the subject when I talk about my loss.
- Making me talk when I do not want to.
If your friend is grieving
- Some days they will want to talk about the person who died. Other days they will not. Be a good listener, and enjoy their company too.
- It is okay to say, “I don’t know what to say, but I care about you.”
- Invite them to do something fun. Include them. Treat them the same as always.
- Ask what you can do to help. Be patient if they are upset or seem different.
- Holidays and special days can be hard. Ask how they are doing.
- If you feel worried or sad about the death, talk with a parent or another adult.
Holidays and special days
On holidays and birthdays, the person’s absence can feel especially strong. Children in Ele’s Place groups suggested these ways to cope:
- Keep something that belonged to the person nearby.
- Look at pictures and remember good times.
- Light a candle.
- Make an ornament or decoration for the person.
- Listen to their favorite music or eat their favorite food.
- Take a card or a candle to the grave.
- Talk about memories with relatives.
- Do something the person liked to do.
- It is okay to have fun.
For more ideas, see the National Alliance for Grieving Children Holiday Toolkit: A Season of Family (PDF).
You matter too
When you are cared for, you can best care for a child. Ele’s Place offers adult groups for parents and guardians at the same time as the children’s groups. They are led by licensed clinicians.
Groups are free to families. Call the branch nearest you, and a staff member will talk with you about whether Ele’s Place is the right fit.
Offices open Monday–Thursday 9am–5pm, Friday 9am–1pm (Eastern). Voicemails are returned the same or next business day.
Sources
- Ele’s Place Resource Hub: Talking About Grief and Holiday Tips for Grieving Families (elesplace.org). This page rewrites that guidance in plainer language.
- The teen suggestions come from teens in Ele’s Place groups, as shared on elesplace.org.
- National Alliance for Grieving Children, Holiday Toolkit (PDF), hosted by Ele’s Place.
Ele’s Place is not a crisis line. If someone is in danger, call 911. If you are thinking about suicide, call or text 988.